From Good Girl to Authentic Self: A Guide for Neurodivergent Exvangelicals and Survivors of Authoritarian Environments
IFS, INNER CRITICS, NEURODIVERSITY, HIGH-CONTROL RELIGION, AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING, AUTHENTICITY
In a world where expectations often drown our true desires, finding the courage to express one's authentic self can feel like an act of rebellion. As a teenager, I found myself entrapped in a "good girl" mold—an obedient student, a devout Christian, a model child. My religious upbringing taught me to suppress my self-identity, framing personal desires as potential idolatry. This suppression stifled my preferences and left me feeling disconnected at a time when my peers were exploring and expressing varied identities in our teenage years. I always felt like I had to be good, keep my head down, and stay “under the radar.” Add to this mix the experience of being neurodivergent, and you get a heightened tension between yearning to be known and fearing perception and judgment.
If you're reading this as someone who grew up neurodivergent in evangelical or other high-control environments, know that you're not alone. Your journey from good girl or good boy to authentic self, from people-pleasing to self-expression is valid, necessary, and ultimately healing—for you, and for the communities you'll touch with your authentic presence.
The Perfect Storm: When Neurodivergence Meets Religious Control
The intersection of neurodivergence and religious trauma creates a particularly complex healing journey. Research shows that being autistic made individuals susceptible to religious trauma, while autistic brains experience unique impacts from high-control, illogical religion. For those of us who grew up neurodivergent in these environments, the experience was often one of constant vigilance—trying not to let the godly mask slip, even in our internal worlds, because it could have eternal consequences, we were told.
Neurodivergent children sometimes stand out due to their different processing styles, making them targets for increased correction and conformity demands. When you're already sensitive to sensory overload or struggling with social cues, the pressure to be developmentally and spiritually mature beyond your years becomes overwhelming. Church environments that demand stillness, sustained attention, and social conformity can feel torturous to neurodivergent individuals, yet the spiritual framework often labels this struggle as personal failing rather than neurological difference.
The exhausting process of masking neurodivergent traits becomes conflated with spiritual discipline, creating layers of inauthenticity that can take years to untangle. We learn to suppress stimming behaviors as "inappropriate," hide our special interests unless they align with religious values, and force ourselves into social situations that drain our energy in the name of fellowship and community service.
Internal Link: [Understanding masking in autism and how it affects diagnosis]
What makes this particularly insidious is how literal thinking, common in autistic and ADHD individuals, makes us vulnerable to spiritual manipulation and black-and-white religious thinking. When spiritual leaders say "die to self," we often take this literally, believing that our natural ways of being are inherently sinful and must be eliminated entirely. This was true for me, and led to constant anxiety, hypervigilance, and even cycles of OCD. You can read more about my story and healing journey in my memoir Coming Home: The Journey Back to Myself.
The Hidden Roots of Suppression
The forces driving this internal conflict are multifaceted. Authoritarian Christianity set rigid boundaries on my identity, while my neurodivergent tendencies pulled me away from the spotlight. The desire to be understood without becoming the center of attention was a constant battle. Yet, the need for connection left me feeling excluded when I chose to remain in the background. These experiences exemplify a deeper struggle many face while navigating self-expression amidst opposing internal and external expectations.
Religious trauma often begins with the message that our personal preferences, emotions, and natural ways of being are somehow dangerous or ungodly. Deconstruction and processing religious trauma is now a common experience—it's unlearning and relearning who you are and what you believe. For neurodivergent individuals, this process is complicated by years of having natural traits labeled as spiritual problems.
The doctrine of "dying to self," prevalent in many evangelical traditions, becomes particularly harmful when applied to neurodivergent individuals. We're taught to suppress stimming behaviors that provide necessary regulation, ignore sensory needs in favor of spiritual discipline, mask social differences to appear more Christ-like, and abandon special interests that bring joy and connection. This creates a profound split between the authentic self and the "acceptable" spiritual self, leading to identity confusion that can last decades.
Research on authoritarian parenting reveals that children raised with this style may struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and difficulty with self-regulation. For neurodivergent children, these effects are amplified because natural developmental patterns are disrupted. Children raised by authoritarian parents often have little opportunity to make choices or express independence, which is particularly harmful for neurodivergent children who need to develop self-advocacy skills. The result is that we learn to distrust our own instincts, needs, and perceptions.
External Link: Understanding religious trauma syndrome and recovery
Many of us grew up with messages that equated goodness with self-sacrifice, hearing things like "good people always put others first" and "it's selfish to consider your own needs when others are suffering." These messages aren't inherently wrong, but when taken to extremes in environments that don't recognize neurological differences, they become tools of self-destruction rather than guides for healthy relationships. Add in the high-empathy of non-sterotypical autism, and you have a real doozy. You feel the pain of everyone around you and you are constantly told you need to deepen that experience to show others you care about them. It’s overwhelming and can lead to autistic burnout.
The Neurodivergent Deconstruction Journey
Leaving authoritarian religious environments presents unique challenges for neurodivergent individuals. Losing the structure of religious community can be particularly difficult for neurodivergent individuals who already struggle with social connection, while the disruption of familiar religious practices can upset sensory and routine needs that provided stability, even in harmful environments.
When masking and spiritual performance have been intertwined for years, it becomes unclear which aspects of identity are authentic versus survival strategies. The process of untangling these layers requires patience, sometimes professional support, and often a complete reconstruction of how we understand ourselves and our place in the world.
However, neurodivergent traits can also be assets in the deconstruction process. Autistic individuals often excel at identifying inconsistencies and patterns, which can be valuable in recognizing harmful religious teachings. Many neurodivergent individuals have strong justice orientations that help them recognize spiritual abuse and manipulation. The tendency toward independent thinking, common in ADHD and autistic individuals, supports authentic exploration of beliefs and values outside conventional frameworks.
When healing and authenticity become special interests, neurodivergent individuals can dive deeply into recovery work with remarkable focus and dedication. This intensity, which may have been discouraged in religious environments, becomes a strength in the journey toward authentic living.
Religious Deconstruction Guide: From Dogmatic Beliefs to Spiritual Exploration
Emerging into Self-Trust and Expression
For me, the shift began with a fundamental realization: the path to authenticity starts with self-trust. Healing from authoritarian environments requires reclaiming one's trust and intuition, laying the groundwork for self-knowledge and expression. For me, after years of silence, the desire to express and share my true self surfaced as a crucial piece of becoming whole and authentic. This profound understanding transformed my perception of identity—as not merely responsive to external approval but as a testament to my internal truth.
For neurodivergent individuals recovering from authoritarian environments, rebuilding self-trust involves reconnecting with body wisdom that was previously dismissed or spiritualized. We must learn to trust sensory experiences, emotional responses, and physical needs again. This means honoring neurodivergent traits as neurological features rather than character flaws, developing discernment between healthy accountability and toxic control, and practicing self-compassion throughout the process.
The journey requires finding communities that celebrate authentic expression rather than demanding conformity. People have been sold a lie that says they have to hide who they are to be loved by the Divine. Safe communities for neurodivergent recovering evangelicals understand and celebrate neurological differences, recognize the impact of religious and developmental trauma, support exploration rather than demanding immediate answers, and value genuine expression over performance.
Spiritual reconstruction differs from deconstruction in that it involves building a spiritual or philosophical framework that honors your authentic self. For neurodivergent individuals, this might include developing a sensory-informed practice that works with rather than against sensory needs, using special interests as pathways to meaning and connection, finding belonging in multiple communities rather than seeking one perfect group, and moving at your own pace rather than following prescribed timelines.
The Cost of Hiding: Masking, People-Pleasing, and the Path to Belonging
Steps Toward Embracing Authenticity
To navigate the world of judgment and fear, you can start small but purposefully. First, focus on self-recognition. Ask yourself, "How can I be seen by myself today, apart from the judgment of others?" Embracing your identity is an ongoing exploration, acknowledging that while some may judge, it is your own perspective that carries the most weight. Challenge moments of self-doubt by asserting that acceptance doesn't require universal validation but rather personal acknowledgment and compassion.
By embarking on this journey of self-trust, you gradually construct an environment where self-expression is not just an act, but a celebration of your existence. This weekly practice of honoring yourself sparks incremental yet profound shifts, enhancing your self-awareness, confidence, and authenticity.
Neurodivergent Self-Recognition
Before you can express authentically, you need to understand your genuine self apart from survival strategies and imposed expectations. This involves creating what I call a "sensory map" of your preferences, triggers, and needs without judgment. Notice which textures, sounds, lights, or environments support your wellbeing versus drain your energy. Pay attention to your natural curiosities and passions without filtering them through previous "appropriateness" standards.
Observe your social energy patterns carefully. Which social situations energize versus exhaust you? How much social interaction feels nourishing versus overwhelming? Begin to recognize your natural self-regulation behaviors—what movements, sounds, or activities help you feel centered and calm? Notice your natural communication patterns and preferences, whether you prefer written or verbal communication, direct or indirect approaches, detailed or summary information.
Challenge Internalized Messages
The process of healing involves identifying and challenging specific messages you internalized about hiding or changing your neurodivergent traits. When you catch yourself thinking "stop being so sensitive," practice reframing it as "my sensitivity is a gift that helps me notice what others miss." Instead of "don't be weird," try "my authentic social style attracts people who appreciate me." Rather than dismissing your needs with "think of others first," remind yourself that "my needs matter and deserve attention and accommodation."
These internalized messages often came wrapped in spiritual language, making them feel like divine commands rather than human preferences. Part of recovery involves separating cultural expectations from spiritual truth, recognizing that many of the "shoulds" we carry aren't actually rooted in love or wisdom but in systems that benefit from our compliance and self-suppression.
The first step in my Self-Trust Process is to identify these internalized messages that are holding you back. Then you get to release the ones that no longer serve you. This is a process of grief, release, and relief. Then comes renewal and rebuilding.
You can also identify the internal messengers, which are often internal critics. It helps to separate them out, so they don’t feel so overwhelming. For example, the internal critic that wants to keep you small and wants you to “stay under the radar” can be called the Molder critic (so named by Early and Weiss). There are many more. You can learn all about them in Befriending Your Inner Critic.
Gradual Authenticity Experiments
Start with low-stakes situations to practice authentic self-expression. Begin by wearing clothes that feel good to your body, even if they're unconventional, using fidget tools or stim toys without hiding them, and requesting sensory accommodations when needed. Gradually work toward sharing special interests in casual conversation, expressing genuine excitement about topics that fascinate you, and spending time engaged in activities you love without justifying them to others.
As you build confidence, practice communicating authentically by asking for clarification when you don't understand something, expressing disagreement respectfully when your perspective differs, and using your natural communication style rather than forcing neurotypical patterns. Eventually, work toward setting boundaries by saying no to requests that conflict with your sensory or energy needs, asking for processing time before making decisions, and communicating your needs directly rather than expecting others to guess.
For me, this has looked like getting the nose ring I had wanted, and using fidget toys in sessions. What does this look like for you this week? This month? This year?
Building Your Support Network
Recovery from authoritarian environments requires intentional community building. Seek professional support from therapists trained in religious trauma and neurodivergence, join support groups for religious trauma survivors, and work with neurodivergent-affirming spiritual directors or coaches if you choose to maintain spiritual practices.
Peer support is equally important. Connect with online communities for exvangelicals and religious trauma survivors, attend local neurodivergent meetups or support groups, and cultivate friendships with people who celebrate your authentic expression. Surround yourself with educational resources including books, podcasts, and content by neurodivergent religious trauma survivors, trauma-informed spiritual or philosophical resources, and neurodivergent-affirming approaches to meaning-making.
Neurodivergent and Exvangelical Resources and Recommendations
Creating Authentic Practices
If you choose to maintain spiritual practices, ensure they align with your authentic self rather than forcing yourself into frameworks that drain or harm you. Develop sensory-informed practices such as meditation or mindfulness adapted for neurodivergent processing, movement-based spiritual practices if you're kinesthetic, or art, music, and creative expression as spiritual outlets. Writing is my main spiritual outlet. Communing with nature is my second. What about you?
Focus on values-based living by identifying your core values independent of imposed religious frameworks, practicing decision-making based on authentic values rather than external expectations, and developing personal ethics that honor both yourself and others. Seek spiritual communities that celebrate neurodiversity, engage with justice-oriented groups that align with your values, and create or join communities focused on authentic expression.
Navigating Complex Relationships
Family relationships often become strained when you begin expressing your authentic self, particularly if family members remain in authoritarian systems. They may express disappointment or anger about your perceived rebellion against religious norms, pressure you to conform for family events or gatherings, or experience grief and confusion about your changing beliefs and expressions. Sometimes family members fear that your authenticity threatens their worldview, leading to increased pressure to return to familiar patterns.
Developing healthy boundaries with family requires what I call an "information diet"—sharing only what feels safe and necessary rather than trying to justify or explain every aspect of your journey. Practice topic redirection by steering conversations away from triggering subjects, set time limits on exposure to unsupportive family interactions, and arrange support calls or check-ins after difficult family encounters.
Professional environments require careful navigation when expressing your authentic neurodivergent self. Assess workplace culture by observing whether accommodations are available and stigma-free, whether leadership and colleagues model authenticity, and whether there's flexibility in work styles and approaches. Request accommodations that support your productivity and wellbeing, share your perspectives and insights authentically while maintaining professionalism, and connect with neurodivergent colleagues or employee resource groups when possible.
Building authentic romantic relationships after religious trauma and neurodivergent suppression involves finding partners who appreciate your neurodivergent traits rather than trying to change them, support your healing journey and personal growth, share or respect your values and spiritual or philosophical perspectives, and communicate openly about needs and boundaries. Practice communicating your sensory, social, and emotional needs directly, share your interests and passions without suppressing them, maintain boundaries that support your wellbeing, and work toward interdependence rather than codependence or isolation.
A Living Letter to the Church Living on Turtle Island
The Ongoing Journey
Healing from suppression and embracing authenticity is not a linear process. Expect periods when old patterns resurface, especially during stress, as your identity continues evolving throughout your healing and growth journey. Some relationships may strengthen while others may wane, and you'll likely experience grief cycles as you mourn the time lost to suppressing your true self and the relationships that couldn't support your growth.
Acknowledge and celebrate each authentic expression, whether it's the first time you stim openly in public, sharing a special interest with genuine enthusiasm, setting a boundary without extensive justification, choosing comfort over appearance, or expressing disagreement with respect and confidence. These moments of authenticity are victories worth celebrating, even when they feel small.
Consider developing a personal mission statement that reflects your authentic values and aspirations. Ask yourself what values guide your decisions when you're not influenced by fear or external pressure, how you want to contribute to the world with your unique neurodivergent perspective, what authentic connection and community look like for you, and how you can honor both your individual needs and your relationships with others.
The Ripple Effect of Your Authenticity
Your journey from suppression to self-expression creates ripple effects that extend far beyond your personal healing. For other neurodivergent individuals, you demonstrate that authentic living is possible and valuable. For authoritarian communities, you challenge systems that demand conformity by modeling healthy alternatives. For future generations, you help create a world where neurodivergent children can grow up authentic from the start, and for marginalized communities, you contribute to broader movements for acceptance and inclusion.
Your authentic expression becomes a form of activism through visibility—simply existing authentically challenges stereotypes and assumptions. Use your voice to advocate for other neurodivergent individuals and trauma survivors, share your story and insights to help others understand neurodivergent experiences, and create or support spaces that celebrate authentic expression.
If you become a parent or mentor, your authenticity helps break generational cycles by modeling self-acceptance and self-advocacy, creating environments where neurodivergent traits are celebrated, teaching children that their worth isn't dependent on conformity, and supporting young people in developing their authentic voices.
Resources for Your Journey
If you're experiencing acute distress related to religious trauma or identity suppression, crisis resources are available including the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741, and the LGBTQ+ National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 for those with intersecting identities. Seek trauma-informed therapy from professionals trained in both religious trauma and neurodivergence.
Educational resources that may support your journey include books on religious trauma recovery such as "Pure" by Linda Kay Klein, "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell, and "Jesus and John Wayne" by Kristin Kobes Du Mez. For neurodivergent identity and authenticity, consider "Divergent Mind" by Jenara Nerenberg, "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price, and "Neurotribes" by Steve Silberman. General identity and authenticity resources include "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown, "Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff, and "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk.
Online communities provide crucial support throughout this journey. Religious trauma support can be found through communities like r/ExChristian on Reddit, Religious Trauma Syndrome Support Groups, and the Secular Therapy Project. Neurodivergent communities include Actually Autistic social media communities, ADHD support groups and forums, and neurodivergent professional networks. For intersectional support, seek communities specifically for neurodivergent religious trauma survivors, LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent intersectional groups, and progressive spiritual communities that celebrate neurodiversity.
When seeking professional services, look for therapy specializations in religious trauma recovery, neurodivergent-affirming approaches, trauma-informed care, and identity development and authenticity. Consider comprehensive neurodivergent evaluations, trauma assessments, and therapy readiness evaluations as needed.
Neurodivergent and Exvangelical Resources and Recommendations
Conclusion: Your Authentic Self Is Worth Celebrating
Your journey from suppression to self-expression is not just personal healing—it's a radical act of hope that creates possibility for others walking similar paths. Every time you choose authenticity over conformity, every time you honor your neurodivergent traits instead of hiding them, every time you express your true thoughts and feelings instead of performing for others' approval, you're not only healing yourself—you're healing the world.
The path from authoritarian environments and the Molder internal critic, to authentic expression is neither quick nor easy. It requires courage, patience, support, and tremendous amounts of self-compassion. There will be days when the old patterns feel safer, when masking feels easier than authenticity, when conformity seems less painful than standing in your truth.
On those days, remember that you exist with your unique neurodivergent traits for a reason. Your sensitivity, your intense interests, your different way of processing the world, your need for sensory accommodation—these aren't bugs to be fixed or sins to be repented of. They're features of a beautifully complex human being who deserves to exist fully and authentically.
The world needs your authentic voice, your neurodivergent perspective, your recovered wisdom, and your courageously expressed self. As you continue this journey, know that every step toward authenticity is a gift—to yourself, to your communities, and to every person who will benefit from the more inclusive, accepting world you're helping to create.
Your authentic self isn't just worthy of expression—it's worthy of celebration. And that celebration starts with you, right here, right now, exactly as you are.
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Hi, I’m Catherine. I’m so happy to share this time and space with you.
I’m a counselor and self-trust coach living on the Emerald Coast of Florida, on the unceded land of the Muscogee. I am a creative, mystic, and neurodiverse adventurer. I love writing, creating, and connecting.
I love helping folx Befriend Your Inner Critic and Become Your Own Best Friend. I enjoy hearing from you and walking alongside you on your journey.
With a full heart,
Catherine
