The Cost of Hiding: Masking, People-Pleasing, and the Path to Belonging
NEURODIVERSITY, ADHD, AUTISM, AUDHD, SELF-TRUST
Many neurodivergent people know what it means to live with a double layer of self-protection. On the outside, there’s masking—suppressing stims, forcing eye contact, mimicking speech patterns, or reshaping our behavior to fit in. Beneath that is people-pleasing—smoothing over conflict, anticipating needs, and shaping ourselves to keep others comfortable.
At first glance, these patterns can look the same. Both involve changing ourselves to maintain belonging. Both are fueled by fear of rejection. But there are important differences—and understanding them is key to reclaiming self-trust.
What Is Masking?
Masking is a survival strategy, especially common among autistic and ADHD individuals. It often begins in childhood, when difference is met with confusion or punishment. Masking can look like:
Forcing eye contact even when it feels painful.
Suppressing stimming behaviors to avoid being mocked.
Copying tone, posture, or slang to “blend in.”
Hiding sensory distress to appear “fine.”
Masking is about camouflage—presenting in ways that reduce visible difference. It can keep us safe in unsafe environments, but it comes at a cost: exhaustion, disconnection, and a gradual erosion of self-trust.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing overlaps with masking but isn’t identical. It’s less about hiding neurodivergence and more about managing others’ emotions. It shows up as:
Saying yes when you want to say no.
Over-apologizing or taking responsibility for others’ feelings.
Anticipating needs before they’re spoken.
Avoiding boundaries out of fear of disappointing someone.
Where masking is about hiding difference, people-pleasing is about managing approval. Both aim to prevent rejection—but from different angles.
How Masking and People-Pleasing Intertwine
The two often work together:
A child masks their natural traits to avoid bullying, while also people-pleasing teachers to gain validation.
An adult masks in professional settings to appear “professional,” while people-pleasing bosses and colleagues to avoid criticism.
In relationships, masking may hide sensory needs or communication differences, while people-pleasing ensures the other person never feels burdened.
Together, they create an exhausting loop: I can’t show my true self, and I must keep everyone else happy.
The Costs of Masking and People-Pleasing
Both strategies are adaptive—but chronic use erodes well-being.
Exhaustion: Managing appearances and emotions leaves little energy for yourself.
Loss of identity: Over time, it becomes hard to know what you actually want or need.
Inauthentic relationships: If people only know the masked or pleasing version of you, they don’t truly know you.
Erosion of self-trust: When you silence your inner signals for too long, you forget how to trust them.
Moving Toward Self-Trust
Healing doesn’t mean never masking or people-pleasing again. Sometimes those strategies still keep us safe. The goal is choice—learning when to use them and when to let them go.
1. Notice Your Patterns
Ask: Am I masking right now? Am I pleasing right now? Simply naming the strategy begins to restore self-trust.
2. Create Safe Unmasking Spaces
Practice authenticity in small, safe places—alone, with trusted friends, or in affirming communities. Each time you unmask, you teach your nervous system: I can be myself and still belong.
3. Redefine Boundaries as Care
When you practice saying no, you honor your needs and strengthen your trust in yourself. Boundaries don’t break relationships—they make them sustainable.
4. Befriend the Protector Parts
In IFS, both the masker and the people-pleaser are protectors. Thank them for keeping you safe. Then gently invite them to step back so other parts—your joy, your voice, your creativity—can come forward.
A New Story
Masking and people-pleasing are not signs of failure. They are signs of resilience in a world that often demands conformity. But you are allowed to move beyond survival into self-trust.
When you begin to trust your inner compass—your needs, your rhythms, your desires—you find that authenticity doesn’t destroy connection. It deepens it. And slowly, you discover that you don’t have to choose between belonging and being yourself.
Because true belonging begins with belonging to yourself.
References / Sources
Hull, L., et al. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
Kapp, S. K. (Ed.). (2020). Autistic Community and the Neurodiversity Movement. Palgrave Macmillan.
Barkley, R. A. (2021). ADHD: Nature, Course, Outcomes, and Treatment. Guilford Press.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden. → On authenticity, shame, and belonging.
Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN). Position papers on masking, autonomy, and affirming practices.
Neurodivergent Insights. Practical frameworks on masking, people-pleasing, and affirming therapy.
Internal Family Systems Institute (Schwartz, R.). Parts work approach to protectors like the people-pleaser and masker.
Hi, I’m Catherine. I’m so happy to share this time and space with you.
I’m a counselor and self-trust coach living on the Emerald Coast of Florida, on the unceded land of the Muscogee. I am a creative, mystic, and neurodiverse adventurer. I love writing, creating, and connecting.
I love helping folx Befriend Your Inner Critic and Become Your Own Best Friend. I enjoy hearing from you and walking alongside you on your journey.
With a full heart,
Catherine
