The Cost of Hiding: Masking, People-Pleasing, and the Path to Belonging
NEURODIVERSITY, ADHD, AUTISM, AUDHD, SELF-TRUST
Many neurodivergent people know what it means to live with a double layer of self-protection. On the outside, there's masking—suppressing stims, forcing eye contact, mimicking speech patterns, or reshaping our behavior to fit in. Woven through this is people-pleasing—smoothing over conflict, anticipating needs, and shaping ourselves to keep others comfortable.
These patterns don't just coexist—they reinforce and amplify each other, creating a comprehensive system of hiding that can feel impossible to untangle. Understanding how they work together is key to reclaiming self-trust and finding authentic belonging.
The Intertwined Nature of Masking and People-Pleasing
At their core, both masking and people-pleasing answer the same fundamental question: How do I make myself acceptable enough to belong? They're two branches of the same survival strategy, each addressing different aspects of the threat of rejection.
Masking asks: How do I hide the parts of me that are visibly different? People-pleasing asks: How do I manage others' emotions so they don't reject me?
Together, they create a comprehensive system: I will hide my difference AND ensure everyone is comfortable with me.
Where They Overlap
The boundary between masking and people-pleasing isn't always clear. Consider these examples where they merge:
Suppressing sensory needs to avoid "burdening" others: You're overwhelmed by the noise at a restaurant but don't say anything because you don't want to seem "difficult" or "high maintenance." You're masking your sensory distress while also people-pleasing by prioritizing others' comfort over your own needs.
Forcing social participation despite exhaustion: You attend the group gathering even though you're depleted because saying no might disappoint people. You mask your need for solitude while people-pleasing to maintain your "team player" image.
Performing enthusiasm you don't feel: You show excitement about plans that actually sound exhausting to you. You're masking your authentic emotional response (perhaps your natural lower-key reactions or your genuine dread) while people-pleasing by giving others the reaction they expect and want.
Hiding confusion to appear competent: You don't ask clarifying questions when you need them because you don't want to seem like you're not keeping up. You're masking your processing differences while people-pleasing by not "taking up too much space" with your needs.
In each case, both patterns are operating simultaneously, making it nearly impossible to separate them.
How Masking and People-Pleasing Reinforce Each Other
These patterns don't just overlap—they actively strengthen each other in a reinforcing cycle:
The Logic Chain
Masking teaches: My natural way of being is unacceptable → I must hide my authentic self → Performing normalcy is required for belonging
People-pleasing adds: Others' comfort matters more than mine → I am responsible for managing their emotions → Accommodating others is required for belonging
Together they conclude: I must hide myself AND prioritize others to belong → My authentic self with authentic needs has no place → I cannot trust my instincts or desires
Each pattern provides evidence for the other. When you mask successfully, you get positive feedback that reinforces the belief that your real self must remain hidden. This fuels people-pleasing: "If my natural self is unacceptable, I better make sure I'm at least useful/pleasant/accommodating."
When people-pleasing works, you get approval that reinforces masking: "See, when I manage their emotions and meet their needs, they like me—I just need to keep hiding the difficult parts."
The Exhaustion Spiral
Both patterns are depleting, but together they create compound exhaustion:
Energy drain from masking: Constantly monitoring your behavior, suppressing natural responses, forcing neurotypical presentation
Energy drain from people-pleasing: Constantly scanning others' emotional states, managing their comfort, suppressing your own needs
Compounded effect: You're simultaneously managing your own presentation AND everyone else's emotional state, leaving almost no energy for simply existing
This exhaustion then makes both patterns harder to interrupt. When you're depleted:
You have less capacity to notice you're masking or people-pleasing
You have fewer resources to resist the pull toward these patterns
The thought of unmasking or setting boundaries feels overwhelming
You default to the familiar strategies even when they're killing you
The Identity Erosion Feedback Loop
Masking erodes: Your sense of what your natural behaviors and responses are
People-pleasing erodes: Your sense of what your authentic needs and preferences are
Together they erase: Any clear sense of who you are beneath the performance
When you don't know your natural way of being (because you've masked it for years) and you don't know your actual preferences (because you've prioritized others' for years), you become entirely dependent on external cues to construct an identity. You are whoever you need to be in any given moment, which ultimately means you are no one at all.
This identity loss then intensifies both patterns. Without a clear self to advocate for, you have no foundation from which to unmask or set boundaries. The patterns continue because you've lost the "you" that would choose differently.
The Relationship Trap
Masking creates: Relationships where people don't know your authentic self
People-pleasing creates: Relationships where people don't know your authentic needs
Together they create: Relationships where you're not actually present at all
You're there in body, performing the neurotypical person (masking) who never needs anything and always accommodates (people-pleasing). But the real you—with your neurodivergent traits, your needs, your preferences, your limits—is completely hidden.
This creates profound loneliness even in the midst of many relationships. You might be surrounded by people but feel fundamentally unknown and unseen. The connection you crave remains elusive because you haven't let anyone actually meet you.
And this loneliness reinforces both patterns. Desperate for connection, you mask harder (maybe if I'm more normal, I'll feel less alone) and people-please more intensely (maybe if I'm more helpful, someone will truly see me). But you're solving for the wrong problem—the issue isn't that you're not hidden enough; it's that you're too hidden.
Why Neurodivergent People Develop Both Patterns
Several factors make neurodivergent individuals particularly likely to develop this intertwined system:
You're Different in Visible and Invisible Ways
Visible difference (stimming, atypical speech, unusual interests): Calls for masking to hide what makes you stand out
Invisible difference (sensory needs, processing time, social confusion): Calls for people-pleasing to compensate for what you can't naturally do
You learn that your difference operates on multiple levels, so your hiding must be comprehensive. It's not enough to just mask your visible traits—you also need to be so pleasant, so accommodating, so useful that people overlook the ways you still don't quite fit.
Your Difference Was Blamed for Others' Discomfort
"You're making the other kids uncomfortable with that behavior." "People don't know how to act around you when you do that." "You're upsetting your grandmother by asking so many questions."
The message wasn't just that you were different—it was that your difference was causing others harm or distress. This is the perfect breeding ground for both patterns:
Masking to stop being visibly different (so you stop causing discomfort)
People-pleasing to compensate for the discomfort your hidden difference still might cause
You become hyperresponsible for others' emotional states because you were taught that your existence is inherently distressing to them.
Social Confusion Drives Compensatory Strategies
When you don't intuitively understand social dynamics, both masking and people-pleasing offer structured approaches:
Masking provides: Rules for how to appear ("mirror their body language," "make eye contact," "laugh at jokes even if you don't find them funny")
People-pleasing provides: Rules for how to interact ("say yes," "ask about them," "anticipate their needs," "don't burden them")
Together they create a comprehensive social script that helps you navigate a confusing world. The problem is that these scripts replace authentic interaction with performance, and they're utterly exhausting to maintain.
Heightened Sensitivity Makes the Stakes Feel Higher
Many neurodivergent people experience others' emotions somatically—you feel their discomfort, irritation, or disappointment in your own body. This makes both patterns feel not just helpful but necessary:
Masking: "If I hide my stimming, they won't feel uncomfortable, which means I won't have to feel their discomfort in my body"
People-pleasing: "If I keep them happy, I won't have to experience their negative emotions coursing through my nervous system"
Both patterns become strategies for managing your own nervous system by managing others' emotional states. This is ultimately unsustainable—you cannot regulate yourself by controlling everyone around you—but it makes sense given how intensely you experience others' emotions.
Rejection Sensitivity Amplifies Fear
For those with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (common in ADHD), perceived rejection or criticism can feel catastrophic. This amplifies both:
Masking: Any visible difference might trigger rejection, so hide everything
People-pleasing: Any disappointment might trigger rejection, so please everyone
The fear isn't just "they won't like me"—it's "I will be psychologically devastated by their rejection." Both patterns become desperate attempts to prevent an outcome that feels unbearable.
Literal Thinking Creates Extreme Compliance
Many autistic individuals take social and moral directives literally:
"Be considerate of others" → I must always consider others first
"Don't be selfish" → Having needs is selfish, so I shouldn't have them
"Fit in" → I must make myself match those around me
"Be kind" → I must never cause any discomfort to anyone
Neurotypical people often balance these messages with unspoken permission to prioritize themselves sometimes, but neurodivergent literal thinkers may follow these rules comprehensively and exhaustively—leading to extreme masking and people-pleasing.
The Specific Costs of the Combined Pattern
While each pattern has individual costs, their combination creates unique damage:
Complete Self-Abandonment
Masking abandons: Your authentic behavioral and sensory self People-pleasing abandons: Your authentic emotional and relational self Together: Almost nothing authentic remains
You're not just hiding some parts of yourself—you're hiding your entire self. Your way of moving, your natural responses, your sensory needs, your emotional reality, your preferences, your boundaries, your desires. What's left is a carefully constructed performance designed to be acceptable and pleasing, but it's not you.
Inability to Recognize Your Own Needs
From masking: You stop noticing sensory overwhelm, exhaustion, or dysregulation until you're in crisis From people-pleasing: You stop noticing your emotional needs, desires, or limits Together: You lose access to your internal signals entirely
Your body and emotions are sending you information all the time, but you've trained yourself to ignore or override these signals. By the time you notice you're overwhelmed, depleted, or resentful, you're often past the point where simple rest or boundaries would help—you need intensive recovery.
The Performance Trap
Masking creates: Approval for your performed neurotypical presentation People-pleasing creates: Approval for your accommodating behavior Together: You're trapped in a performance you can never stop
You get positive feedback for the masked, pleasing version of yourself. People like this version. They value this version. They want to keep this version. But this version isn't sustainable—it's killing you.
If you try to unmask or set boundaries, you risk losing the approval and connection you worked so hard to earn. But if you keep performing, you lose yourself entirely. There's no good option, and you're stuck.
Relationships Without Mutual Knowledge
Masking means: They don't know how you naturally are People-pleasing means: They don't know what you actually need Together: Neither of you knows the real you
You might have people who care about you, but they care about the performance. They've never met the person underneath. This creates a particular kind of loneliness—you can be surrounded by people who "love" you and still feel completely unknown.
And if they've only ever known the masked, pleasing version, how can you blame them when they struggle if you start unmasking or setting boundaries? They thought they knew who you were. The real you might feel like a stranger to them.
Complete Erosion of Self-Trust
This is perhaps the most devastating cost. Both patterns teach you that your instincts cannot be trusted:
Masking teaches: Your natural impulses are wrong and must be controlled People-pleasing teaches: Your needs are burdens and must be suppressed Together: You cannot trust anything arising from within you
Every authentic impulse becomes suspect. Every need becomes something to question and probably deny. Every preference becomes negotiable based on what others want. Every boundary becomes something you might be wrong to want.
You become entirely dependent on external validation and direction because you've been trained that your internal compass is defective.
The Path to Belonging: Untangling Masking and People-Pleasing
The intertwined nature of these patterns means you can't fully address one without addressing the other. They're supporting each other, and both need attention.
Understanding They're Both Protective Strategies
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) language, both the masker and the people-pleaser are protectors—parts of you that developed to keep you safe from rejection, harm, or isolation.
The masker says: "If they see how different you are, they'll reject you. Let me keep you safe by hiding it."
The people-pleaser says: "If you disappoint them or burden them, they'll leave. Let me keep you safe by keeping them happy."
These parts aren't enemies. They're young, frightened parts of you that learned they had to work constantly to keep you safe. They need compassion, not condemnation.
The work isn't about eliminating these parts but about:
Understanding what they're protecting you from
Recognizing that you have more resources now than when they first formed
Helping them understand that their strategies, while once necessary, are now causing more harm than good
Gradually building trust that you can handle some rejection, some disapproval, some conflict without falling apart
Noticing the Patterns Working Together
Begin tracking both patterns as they occur:
In the moment awareness:
"I'm masking my sensory overload right now"
"I'm people-pleasing by saying yes when I want to say no"
"I'm doing both—hiding that I'm exhausted while also volunteering for more"
Pattern recognition:
Notice situations where both patterns consistently appear together
Identify relationships where you're simultaneously masking and people-pleasing most intensely
Track what triggers both patterns (certain people, situations, environments)
Simply naming these patterns begins to create some space between you and them. Instead of "I am a people-pleaser who can't show my real self," you can observe: "The protector parts are active right now."
Creating Safe Spaces for Authentic Expression
You need spaces where you can gradually practice being both unmasked AND not people-pleasing:
Alone time: Practice being fully yourself when no one is watching. Stim without suppressing it. Feel your actual emotions. Notice what you want without immediately thinking about what others want. This rebuilds your familiarity with your authentic self.
With carefully chosen individuals: Find one or two people who have proven themselves safe and practice small moments of authenticity:
Share a special interest without dampening your enthusiasm (unmasking)
Say no to a small request (boundary-setting)
Express that you're overwhelmed and need space (both unmasking your state and setting a boundary)
Ask for an accommodation you need (both revealing difference and prioritizing your needs)
In neurodivergent-affirming spaces: Join communities where neurodivergent traits are celebrated and where people practice direct communication about needs. Being around others who aren't masking or people-pleasing gives you permission to do the same.
Each time you're authentic without dire consequences, you build evidence against the protectors' fears. Your nervous system learns: "I was myself and I'm still safe. They're still here. I'm still okay."
Practicing Integrated Authenticity
Because these patterns work together, healing involves integrated practice—simultaneously reducing both:
Scenario: Restaurant with friends
Old pattern: Mask sensory overload (masking) while insisting you're fine and don't need to leave (people-pleasing)
Integrated authenticity: "I'm getting overwhelmed by the noise. I need to step outside for a few minutes" or "Could we move to a quieter table?"
You're unmasking your sensory state
You're prioritizing your need over others' potential inconvenience
You're practicing both at once
Scenario: Work project
Old pattern: Hide that you don't understand the instructions (masking confusion) while saying yes to an impossible deadline (people-pleasing)
Integrated authenticity: "I need some clarification on these instructions. And given my current workload, I can have this done by [realistic date], not [impossible date]."
You're revealing your need for clarification
You're setting a boundary based on actual capacity
You're doing both simultaneously
Scenario: Social invitation
Old pattern: Pretend you're sad to miss it (masking that you're relieved) while apologizing profusely and feeling guilty (people-pleasing)
Integrated authenticity: "That doesn't work for me, but thanks for the invitation."
You're not performing emotions you don't feel
You're saying no without excessive apologizing or justifying
You're honoring both your authentic state and your boundaries
Building Tolerance for Discomfort (Yours and Theirs)
Both patterns are driven by discomfort avoidance:
Masking avoids the discomfort of being visibly different
People-pleasing avoids the discomfort of others being disappointed
Healing involves gradually building tolerance:
Your discomfort: Learning that you can be uncomfortable (from others' disapproval, from the vulnerability of being seen) without it destroying you
Their discomfort: Learning that others can be disappointed, inconvenienced, or have to adjust to your needs without it being catastrophic
Practice in small doses:
Let someone be mildly disappointed by your no
Let yourself be mildly uncomfortable with their disappointment
Notice that both of you survived
Gradually increase the stakes as your tolerance grows
Addressing the Nervous System
Both patterns are often maintained by a dysregulated nervous system stuck in hypervigilance (constantly scanning for threat) or fawn response (immediately accommodating to prevent harm).
Somatic practices: Activities that help regulate your nervous system—gentle movement, deep breathing, time in nature, sensory activities that feel calming
Co-regulation: Being around people who are regulated helps your nervous system learn it can be calm too
Titration: Working with a trauma-informed therapist to gradually process the experiences that taught you masking and people-pleasing were necessary for survival
Recognizing actual safety: Consciously distinguishing between situations where these patterns are truly necessary for safety versus situations where they're habitual but not required
Redefining Belonging
The ultimate work is reconceiving what belonging means:
Old definition: Belonging = being accepted while masked and pleasing
This creates belonging based on performance
It's conditional: you belong as long as you keep performing
It's exhausting and unsustainable
It's lonely because you're not actually present
New definition: Belonging = being accepted as your authentic self
This creates belonging based on genuine connection
It's stable: you belong because of who you are, not what you do
It's sustainable because you're not performing
It's nourishing because you're actually present
This redefinition is scary because it means:
Some relationships may not survive your authenticity
You'll need to risk rejection to find genuine belonging
You'll have to tolerate the discomfort of being truly seen
You'll have to trust that authentic belonging is possible
But it also means:
The connections you find will be real
You'll finally be able to rest into relationships instead of performing
You'll experience being known and loved as yourself
You'll discover that you don't have to choose between being yourself and belonging
A Different Kind of Belonging
Masking and people-pleasing promise belonging: "If you hide your difference and keep everyone comfortable, they'll accept you." And to some extent, they deliver—you do get accepted, included, valued.
But it's a particular kind of belonging—belonging for the performance, not belonging for you. It's conditional belonging that requires constant maintenance. It's exhausting belonging that depletes rather than nourishes. It's lonely belonging because you're not actually there.
True belonging—the kind that nourishes rather than depletes, the kind where you can rest rather than perform—requires risk. It requires letting yourself be seen. It requires disappointing some people. It requires trusting that your authentic self, complete with neurodivergent traits and genuine needs, is worthy of acceptance.
This doesn't mean unmasking everywhere immediately or suddenly setting boundaries with everyone. This isn't about recklessness—some contexts genuinely aren't safe for full authenticity, and that's okay.
It means gradually, in carefully chosen spaces, with intentionally selected people, beginning to let both patterns relax. Letting people see how you naturally are. Letting them know what you actually need. Practicing the radical act of showing up as yourself.
Some people won't be able to accept this version of you. This will hurt. But these weren't relationships where you were truly present anyway—they were relationships with your performance, not with you.
And some people will surprise you. Some will say "I'm glad to finally meet the real you." Some will appreciate the honesty. Some will respect your boundaries. Some will accommodate your needs without making you feel burdensome.
These are your people. The ones who can hold your authentic self with care. The ones with whom you can finally stop hiding.
This is the path to belonging—not by hiding more perfectly, but by revealing yourself more bravely. Not by pleasing everyone, but by trusting that the right people will stay.
Because belonging that requires hiding isn't really belonging at all. True belonging begins when you trust yourself enough to be seen.
References and Resources
Research on Masking:
Hull, L., et al. (2017). "Putting on My Best Normal": Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519-2534.
Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflaging for Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899-1911.
On Burnout:
Raymaker, D. M., et al. (2020). "Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew": Defining Autistic Burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132-143.
Neurodiversity Movement:
Kapp, S. K. (Ed.). (2020). Autistic Community and the Neurodiversity Movement. Palgrave Macmillan.
ADHD and RSD:
Barkley, R. A. (2021). ADHD: Nature, Course, Outcomes, and Treatment. Guilford Press.
Therapeutic Approaches:
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton.
Authenticity and Belonging:
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.
By Neurodivergent Authors:
Price, D. (2022). Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity. Harmony Books.
Nerenberg, J. (2020). Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn't Designed for You. HarperOne.
Advocacy Resources:
Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN): https://autisticadvocacy.org
Hi, I’m Catherine. I’m so happy to share this time and space with you.
I’m a counselor and self-trust coach living on the Emerald Coast of Florida, on the unceded land of the Muscogee. I am a creative, mystic, and neurodiverse adventurer. I love writing, creating, and connecting.
I love helping folx Befriend Your Inner Critic and Become Your Own Best Friend. I enjoy hearing from you and walking alongside you on your journey.
With a full heart,
Catherine
