How ADHD, Autism, and RSD Shape People-Pleasing Patterns
NEURODIVERSITY, ADHD, AUSTIM, AUDHD, SELF-TRUST
People-pleasing is often described as a flaw—too much caring, too little backbone. But for many neurodivergent people, it isn’t about weakness. It’s about survival. The pull toward pleasing others is woven into our nervous systems, survival strategies, and cultural conditioning.
At the intersection of neurodivergence and people-pleasing patterns, we find a deeper story: what looks like “over-caring” is often an attempt to stay safe in a world that misunderstands us. Healing begins not with shame, but with reclaiming self-trust—trusting our needs, our signals, and our right to take up space.
Why Neurodivergence Shapes People-Pleasing
1. Sensory and Emotional Sensitivity
Neurodivergent individuals often feel others’ emotions in their own bodies. Conflict or disapproval can feel like an electric storm inside the nervous system. People-pleasing becomes a way to regulate: if I can calm them, I can calm myself.
➡️ Self-trust shift: Learning to distinguish between my emotions and theirs builds confidence that I can soothe myself without carrying everyone else.
2. Masking as Survival
Masking—suppressing stims, adjusting tone, hiding needs—keeps us safe in a world that expects conformity. People-pleasing often grows from the same soil: blending in to avoid rejection.
➡️ Self-trust shift: Trusting that our authentic selves are not only valid but worthy of expression allows us to gently unmask, one safe step at a time.
3. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and Executive Function
With ADHD, RSD amplifies the fear of rejection, making us hyper-attuned to approval. This fuels over-giving and over-functioning.
➡️ Self-trust shift: Trusting that rejection, while painful, does not define our worth helps loosen the compulsion to prevent it at all costs.
4. Trauma and Cultural Conditioning
For many, compliance was survival. Families, religious systems, or schools may have rewarded obedience and punished autonomy. Neurodivergence magnifies this—difference already being treated as a problem to fix.
➡️ Self-trust shift: Reclaiming our inner compass means trusting that our boundaries and desires are not dangerous—they are sacred.
The Costs of Chronic People-Pleasing
Exhaustion: Burning energy on others’ needs while neglecting our own.
Resentment: The quiet anger of being trapped in constant obligation.
Identity erosion: Losing touch with who we are apart from others’ expectations.
Exploitation: At risk of being taken advantage of by those who sense our endless “yes.”
➡️ The greatest cost is this: we stop trusting ourselves. Each time we override our “no,” our nervous system learns that we can’t be relied on to protect ourselves. Self-trust weakens under the weight of chronic self-abandonment.
Moving Toward Neuroaffirming Boundaries and Self-Trust
Healing people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming indifferent to others. It means learning to trust ourselves enough to let our “yes” and “no” come from authenticity, not fear.
1. Notice Your Nervous System
Ask: Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I fear what will happen if I don’t?
➡️ This builds trust in your body’s signals as reliable guides.
2. Reframe Boundaries as Care
Boundaries protect energy so our relationships can be mutual. Saying “no” is an act of self-trust: I can trust myself to protect my needs without abandoning connection.
3. Compassionate Unmasking
Try small acts of authenticity in safe spaces. Trust that you don’t have to perform to be worthy of belonging.
4. External Supports
Scripts, reminders, and accountability partners can scaffold new boundary patterns until trust in yourself becomes stronger than fear of disapproval.
5. Inner Ally Work
In IFS, the people-pleasing part is not an enemy but a protector. By building a relationship with it, you teach it to trust you—the self who can handle rejection, disappointment, and conflict without falling apart.
A Different Story
The intersection of neurodivergence and people-pleasing is not about brokenness. It is about resilience and longing for belonging. But true belonging begins with self-trust—believing that our inner compass is enough to guide us.
As we practice creating neuroaffirming daily routines and systems, we replace guilt-driven compliance with choices rooted in trust. We learn to honor our sensitivity without letting it erase us. We discover that boundaries are not barriers, but bridges—to authenticity, to mutual care, and to ourselves.
Because self-trust is the soil where both freedom and belonging grow.
References / Sources
Barkley, R. A. (2021). ADHD: Nature, Course, Outcomes, and Treatment. Guilford Press.
Kapp, S. K. (Ed.). (2020). Autistic Community and the Neurodiversity Movement. Palgrave Macmillan.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead. Random House. → On boundaries as care.
Linehan, M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press. → On interpersonal effectiveness and self-advocacy.
Neurodivergent Insights – resources for therapists and ND-affirming care.
Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN) – position papers on masking, autonomy, and affirming practices.
Internal Family Systems Institute (Schwartz, R.) – model for working with protective parts like the people-pleaser.
Hi, I’m Catherine. I’m so happy to share this time and space with you.
I’m a counselor and self-trust coach living on the Emerald Coast of Florida, on the unceded land of the Muscogee. I am a creative, mystic, and neurodiverse adventurer. I love writing, creating, and connecting.
I love helping folx Befriend Your Inner Critic and Become Your Own Best Friend. I enjoy hearing from you and walking alongside you on your journey.
With a full heart,
Catherine
