What Is Self-Trust? A Guide to Reclaiming Inner Safety and Wisdom
What is self-trust?
Self-trust means I can place myself at the center of my life. Self-trust means knowing that I have inherent worth. Self-trust means embracing my life force and vitality. Self-trust means living from myself.
Self-trust involves knowing myself, listening to myself, and valuing what my brain, body, and emotions tell me. It involves recognizing that these messengers have my best interests at heart. Self-trust understands that sometimes these parts of me are in pain, and are determined to protect me from more pain no matter the cost, which can have unintended consequences.
Self-trust does not mean blindly following whatever thoughts or impulses enter my consciousness. It does not mean believing the content of every thought that enters my head. It does mean listening to the intent behind the thought and valuing the messenger, rather than dismissing, avoiding, or exiling them.
Why self-trust?
This may be an unfamiliar term. And that’s partly why I’ve used it. Words such as self-love and self-care have particular connotations attached to them, which makes it hard to see through them to the intended meaning.
Secondly, other helpful ways of relating to ourselves—self-love, self-advocacy, and self-sovereignty, for example—are difficult to access without some level of trust in ourselves. Self-trust is foundational to all other self-kindness.
Barriers to Self-Trust
Outsourcing our worth is a common malady in our modern Western society. We are trained from a young age to be successful, and are praised for what we achieve and produce, rather than being valued for who we are intrinsically. This impedes the development and maintenance of self-trust.
Self-trust is not encouraged in our society because it makes us harder to control. When we trust ourselves, we become less concerned with societal values, and more concerned with the well-being of ourselves and others.
Dualistic, enlightenment, mechanistic thinking may have saved us from the dark ages, but it went too far in the other direction and severed us from our body-level knowing. Rekindling self-trust means learning to speak the language of your body and emotions again. To reclaim your inner life. To reconnect with your deepest self.
The Fruit of Self-Trust
Self-trust does not breed self-absorption. Rather it leads us to valuing all of life. We value our own well-being, and that of others. As we connect with ourselves with curiosity and compassion, we are more able to connect with others from a stance of curiosity and compassion as well.
Self-trust values each person’s ability to know what’s best for them. Self-trust values guidance and support of each person to be able to determine what is best for them, rather than dogmatic teaching and forced conformity to ensure certain actions.
Self-trust values each person’s unique flair and self-expression. It revels in seeing each person live fully out of themselves and their gifts. Self-trust knows that as we do this, we don’t crowd each other out or vie for the spotlight, but rather we find our right-sized place in the interconnected web of life. We are better able to support each other as we are supporting ourselves.
Self-trust does not lead to critiques of others. It is not “my way is best” or “my interpretation is right.” It is a recognition that we each have insight and can communicate that insight in a collaborative, nonviolent way.[3]
Life Stages of Self-Trust
We usually begin life with a full dose of self-trust, which then often gets conditioned out of us. The first part of our lives is living an embodied, expressive existence (as long as your environment is safe enough to do so). Next, we learn to meet others’ standards and expectations of us (or we rebel against them). Finally, if we embrace the work of re-learning self-trust, we shed these expectations and return to self-trust.
Self-Trust as Infants
Self-trust is a gift we are born with. We are immersed in self-trust in our inner worlds. Trust in who we are, how we are, and what we are—to ourselves, and to the world.
We trust ourselves implicitly. We don’t have to figure ourselves out. We just are.
What a gift.
The delight of being ourselves. Being with ourselves. Trusting ourselves. Knowing ourselves from the deepest essence of knowing. Not with our heads or with words. Not even with a narrative, or identity of who we are. Just pure essence. Pure being.
We get to be with our feelings and states. They come and they flow out. Our earliest experiences probably included feelings and states of delight, wonder, sleepiness, joy, drowsiness, warmth, love, connection, hunger, pain, sadness, happiness, disgust, anger, and awe.
We get to be with our bodies. Our bodies are not separate from us. They are not objects. They are a wonder to know and explore. As infants, we hold our little feet in baby pose. We watched our fingers stretch out and in, and realize that we did that—that was us! We got to delight in our tiniest abilities, and explore with wonder what it meant to be human.
We get to be with our needs. A need is quickly communicated through our bodies to our voice. A cry for food, and satisfaction when our tiny bellies are full. A cry for companionship or care, and a coo of connection and delight when that need is met. We are not afraid of our needs. We do not censor our needs. We live and ask, and have those needs met.[4]
We get to take up our space in the world. Reaching, grasping, learning, living, loving, being, voicing. We can be our full human selves. Connected in time and space to all the past versions of us in time, and stretching forward to all that we will become. We are connected now. We can have our space. It is our sovereign space for ourselves both in our inner world and in the external world.
Self-Trust as Children
As children, we continue the journey of self-trust through learning what we are capable of, testing our abilities, experiencing competency and confidence.
When those around us encourage us and recognize our abilities, it strengthens our self-worth and confidence in ourselves.
When we are encouraged to explore, try things out, ask questions, and figure things out on our own (possibly with some guidance), we grow our self-trust.
When we are criticized, told we didn’t think before we spoke/acted, are questioned, or gaslighted, we begin to doubt ourselves. When the rules we are supposed to follow are unpredictable, and we are reprimanded or punished for no obvious reason, we further doubt ourselves.
At some point as children, we begin to notice what others think of us and take that into account. For some, this happens around 7 years old. For others, it happens in the pre-teen years.[5] This increased self-consciousness can lead us to prioritize what others think and value over what we think and value. This can cause us to distance ourselves from trusting in our own intuition and preferences. Sometimes this disconnection becomes so pervasive, that it can feel like we no longer know who we are.
Even for those who reject these expectations or rebel against them, these expectations become a central feature of their lives, around which their decisions are made. Self-trust is no longer the compass at their core. It’s their reaction of alignment with, or rejection of, societal expectations.
Another early barrier to self-trust is growing up in a high-control environment that prioritizes obedience and conformity. In these environments, children are taught to disconnect themselves from what they want, what they like and what they need. They are not encouraged to listen to their needs and desires, then to voice and act on them. Instead they are supposed to display obedient, submissive behavior to authorities, and follow external rigid rules. Some high-control environments, like the religious environment I grew up in, go so far as to mandate that you control your thoughts and emotions as well as your behaviors. This kind of thought-stopping technique is actually a form of cult-like control.[6]
Self-trust as Adults
Often as adults, we have to relearn how to trust ourselves because we have spent so much of our lives conforming to others’ wishes instead of following our own. A lack of self-trust as an adult might show up as continuing to follow rigid rules and be a part of controlling groups. It might show up as judging yourself or others harshly. It might show up as people-pleasing behavior. Or it might show up as searching for acceptance and identity through outside groups or relationships. It might even show up as chronic illnesses as our bodies hold the pain of our self-abandonment.
Reflection:
What is it like to reflect on the inherent self-trust an infant has? Did you have enough safety and predictability to experience that as far as you know?
When did you start to notice what others thought of you? What’s your first memory of self-consciousness or embarrassment? Is it a core memory? (A memory you return to over and over.)
What have been your barriers to self-trust?
What happens in your body when you think about trusting yourself?
Relearning Self-Trust: 5 Steps
1. Reflect
The first step to relearning self-trust is to reflect on what led you to lose it in the first place. Are there any of the scenarios I related in the children and adult sections that stood out to you? Are there any specific messages you remember receiving that would lead to a lack of self-trust? Sometimes these messages are overt, and sometimes they are quite subtle.
2. Release
The second step is to release what no longer serves you. What messages did you take in that you would like to release now? What obstacles or pain are standing in the way to self-trust? What if you can call them in and witness them with compassion.
3. Reconnect
The third step to self-trust is to reconnect to yourself. You can start exploring questions like: What does it feel like when you trust yourself? When you don’t trust yourself? Start noticing times during the day when you did trust yourself, or didn’t and see what that felt like in your body. What thoughts or feelings accompanied that experience? These are part of your road-map to reconnecting with yourself and your self-trust.
I like starting with noticing what you like and don’t like. An easier one to start with is: what do you feel like when you eat a food you like? Or are offered one you don’t like? What is that experience like in your body? The subtle experiences you have in your body around what you like and don’t like become your compass for your self-trust.[7]
For me, shifting my compass from external rules to my internal intuition has helped me reconnect to myself. And giving myself permission to try that out has been key. My compass has become what leaves me feeling inspired, curious, creative, open, compassionate, clear, flexible, playful, and at peace.
4. Reclaim
The fourth step is to reclaim what was lost or you missed out on. All the things that are possible when you trust yourself, you can still have. It may take time, but you can give them to yourself. You can reclaim your intuition, your inner compass, your voice, your power. You can reclaim your agency and autonomy. You can reclaim your identity and your emotions.
5. Re-Emerge
The fifth step is emerging, whole, grounded and trusting yourself. This step completes the cycle. You get to notice how you’ve healed and celebrate your growth. You can allow yourself to take up your space in the world, and allow your self-trust to blossom into self-sovereignty.
These steps are not linear. They are a cycle, and will continue to repeat in the order and with the frequency you need to know your wholeness and goodness.
All the parts of you that you will encounter inside want what is best for you. They want good for you. They just may need more choices, more nourishment, more compassion, and more interdependence to get to what feels like goodness to all of you.
Trusting yourself changes your relationship with yourself, and with others. It changes your whole worldview. You can trust yourself to know what’s best for you and trust others to know what’s best for them.
Hi! If you’re new here, I am Catherine and I’m so glad you’re here. I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Self-Trust Coach, Podcast Host, a mom of two, and a writer. My blog is where I share everything about Self-Trust, Neurodivergence and IFS. This is a place for play, relief, rest, repair, and renewal.
My signature group program "Befriend Yourself: An IFS Sactuary" begins this fall, I would love for you to join us. Meanwhile, explore my Substack writing, books, podcast, and learn more about me.
