Religious Deconstruction Guide: From Dogmatic Beliefs to Spiritual Exploration
RELIGIOUS TRAUMA, IFS, SPIRITUAL GROWTH
How shifting from dogmatic certainty to curious exploration revolutionizes our relationship with the divine, ourselves, and the world
I am re-learning to know the divine from a place of inherent connection. I have always had this, but it was interrupted by authoritarian dogmatic ways of knowing God for so many years. This connection to the divine is part of what I'm reclaiming. (And I find it ironic that this relational connection with God is one of the things evangelicals hang their hats on, but has become too often a form of control rather than a place to cultivate authentic relationship.)
From this place of connection—interconnectedness if you will—I get to explore and unearth and create and develop who I am, and get to explore and know more about who the divine I AM is. I’ve written about this interconnected place of renewal, care, and exploration.
From a List of Beliefs to a Way of Knowing
I have been asked recently what I believe. As if there was a starting point of a certain type of Christian belief, and they expect me to chart a course to a new one, from one island to the next, and let them know where I've landed so they can understand where I'm at. But the course I'm charting is to a different way of knowing, not to a different destination point.
I'm releasing and discarding dogmatic ways of defining and knowing—"right" ways of being and understanding God. Instead I'm starting with what is—me, the earth, the divine—and I'm exploring.
This shift from top-down teaching about God to curious exploration seems a lot like the difference between traditional education (let me teach you the facts about life) and Montessori education (I'll help you explore and learn about the world).
Jesus as Montessori Teacher: A Model for Exploration
Isn't this what Jesus did? He didn't join the religious group that had decided all the "right" ways to live. He taught through story, exploration, and experience. Being with Jesus was all the learning you needed to do. He didn't sweep in as the expert, demand loyalty, breed suspicion of being "contaminated" by "the lost," or list a bunch of rules to follow. He didn't jump in and say, "Gotcha! Caught you sinning unintentionally there. Hope you have a get-out-of-jail (hell) free card left!"
What if this is part of our revolution? Moving from top-down, centralized authority that tells us what to believe and demands obedience—right thought, true faith, right actions—and instead moving to exploration-led, curiosity-and-compassion-based learning about ourselves, the divine, and the world.
The question then becomes not what we believe, but how we learn.
The Revolutionary Shift: From Mind Over Matter to Embodied Wisdom
This was originally going to be the end of my article but wait, there's more!
We see this dichotomy in learning in so many places. Dualism and the Enlightenment incorrectly taught us "mind over matter," a philosophy found in so many of our learning spaces today. (I recently learned that René Descartes, who taught us "mind over matter," eviscerated his wife's dog while still alive to prove a point about this—a gruesome example of the extent to which mind-over-matter thinking can enable psychopathy and torture.)
Science: Moving Beyond Dualistic Thinking
Even science, which is theoretically about exploration and openness to questions and updating theories, has often been skewed by this dualistic issue. Some resources that open up broader ways of exploring include:
Queer Ducks (and Other Animals) - If you look at animal sexual behavior without needing to explain away same-sex behaviors, the logical conclusion is that the default sexuality of most animals is bisexual.
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer - Removing the harmful and limiting effects of dualism in science and restoring kinship, care, and reciprocity with the earth. Seeing ourselves as part of the earth in caring relationship with it, not over it. As a botanist and member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation, Kimmerer bridges Indigenous wisdom and scientific knowledge to show us how plants and animals are our oldest teachers.
The Secret Life of Plants - (Plant) life is more accurately explained by fractals than linear thought and equations.
Socialization: From Obedience Culture to Self-Advocacy
My husband had a book growing up called Pig Will, Pig Won't. I was shocked when I read it. The basic idea is that if you're obedient, compliant, and helpful, you are good; and if you are not those things, you are bad, and should be punished so that you learn to behave. It is such an alarmingly clear teaching on how to be good and successful in an authoritarian, white supremacist, patriarchal, obedience-based society—and unfortunately has been the "norm" in our society for so long.
I much prefer children's books like Stick Up for Yourself and No! My First Book of Protest that teach children they can self-advocate, care for themselves, and use their voice to create positive social change (in their immediate relationships and on a larger scale).
Christianity: From Paternalistic Control to Exploratory Wonder
I recently came across a book I read as a kid: Psalty The Songbook's Book about Obedience. It made me cringe in the same way all the paternalistic obedience teachings do. I couldn't find a video of it to share with you, but I found something similar: an LDS Story about Obedience.
In contrast, What is God Like? by Rachel Held Evans is more exploratory and inclusive. It starts with what we feel and perceive in the world and notice what's life-giving. That is what God is like.
Psychology/Medicine: From Expert Authority to Collaborative Partnership
Mental and physical health fields unfortunately have their share of top-down "I know what's best for you" thinking.
We've probably all had an experience of hearing this subtext from a clinician: "I know what's wrong with you and what's best for you. I will diagnose you with something that will feel like a personal failing or character flaw. I will tell you how to fix it and subtly shame you if you aren't able to measure up and get the results I promise."
This is so different from a clinician coming alongside you with their expertise to support you—communicating "self-trust" in you and that "you know what's best for you." The subtext from this kind of clinician would be: "I am studying what people need, how they cope, and how to help you heal and thrive. I can bring expertise and presence to explore what isn't working for you and what is, or what will. I can help you invite more compassion and collaboration into your inner world so you can see yourself as your own best ally and resource."
In psychology, modalities like Behavioral psychology or Freudian psychology might fit more in the "clinician as the expert" category, versus Liberation psychology or Internal Family Systems, which are more "clinician as support and guide."
Internal Family Systems (IFS) particularly embodies this collaborative approach. IFS recognizes that we all have a core Self with inherent wisdom—qualities like compassion, curiosity, courage, and clarity—that can lead our internal system with both firmness and kindness. Rather than seeing parts of ourselves as problems to fix, IFS helps us understand that all our parts have positive intentions and valuable roles to play when they're not forced into extreme positions.
This approach mirrors the shift from dogmatic knowing to relational exploration: instead of trying to control or eliminate parts of ourselves we don't like, we get curious about them, understand their protective functions, and invite them into collaboration with our wise, compassionate core Self.
The Foundation of Healthy Relationship: Consent and Autonomy
At the heart of this shift from authoritarian control to relational exploration lies a crucial element: consent. Whether we're talking about our relationship with the divine, with others, or with ourselves, the presence or absence of consent fundamentally shapes the quality of connection.
Authoritarian approaches—whether in religion, parenting, therapy, or education—operate from a stance of "I know what's best for you" with low consent and high control. They may appear caring (paternalism) or openly dominating (authoritarianism), but both dismiss your inherent wisdom and right to self-determination. These approaches often use shame, punishment, and the threat of abandonment to maintain compliance.
In contrast, approaches rooted in radical acceptance and radical autonomy operate from "You know what's best for you" with high consent and respect for boundaries. They recognize your inherent worth and wisdom while offering support, resources, and companionship on your journey. When we approach pain and difficulty from this stance, we respond with compassion, curiosity, and restorative justice rather than fixing, controlling, or punishing.
This consent-based approach transforms everything: instead of demanding obedience to external authority, we cultivate authentic relationship. Instead of fixing what's "broken," we explore what's longing to be understood. Instead of punishment for non-compliance, we create space for natural consequences and learning. The result is interdependence rather than dependence, connection rather than control, and authentic relationship where all parties can flourish.
The Invitation: How Will You Learn?
This dichotomy between authoritarian control and curious exploration shows up everywhere—in how we relate to the divine, to science, to our children, to our own inner worlds, and to each other.
The question isn't just what we believe about God, but how we approach the mystery of existence itself. Do we demand certainty and compliance, or do we embrace wonder and exploration? Do we lead with control and fear, or with curiosity and compassion?
I'd love to hear about the places where you see this dichotomy playing out in your own life and world. Where have you experienced the freedom that comes from shifting from dogmatic certainty to relational knowing?
If you're interested in exploring how to befriend your inner critic and become your own best friend using Internal Family Systems principles, I offer courses that help you move from internal control to self-compassionate leadership.
Hi, I’m Catherine. I’m so happy to share this time and space with you.
I’m a counselor and self-trust coach living on the Emerald Coast of Florida, on the unceded land of the Muscogee. I am a creative, mystic, and neurodiverse adventurer. I love writing, creating, and connecting.
I love helping folx Befriend Your Inner Critic and Become Your Own Best Friend. I enjoy hearing from you and walking alongside you on your journey.
With a full heart,
Catherine
