How to Get the Rest You Desperately Need
HEALING, SELF-CARE, NEURODIVERSITY
Spoon Theory
One day, Christine Miserandino was trying to explain her limited energy to a friend. They were at a restaurant, so she grabbed the spoons as an example. “I have a limited amount of energy, like there are a limited number of spoons,” she explained. Christine wrote about this experience and her spoon analogy, and it caught on. It is now known as Spoon Theory.
If limited energy resonates with you, you may find yourself identifying with the “spoonie” community or “spoonie” label as a way to describe this invisible disability or limitation. For some of us “spoonies” our energy is always limited, and we need extra rest, space, and care just to get through life.
Image created by Catherine Quiring for her book Define Your Neurodiversity
Overlooked Sources of Exhaustion
For spoonies, and others alike, we all have hidden sources of exhaustion. Ones that deplete our energy reserves without us even realizing it. Since I’m a therapist, I’m going to focus on some psychological and personal-growth related ones you may not have thought of…
Reacting to others' expectations rather than living out of your own desires and goals
Unreasonable expectations for yourself
Fear of disappointing others
Over-identification with an ideal version of yourself (as productive, accomplished, helpful, generous, successful, strong, authentic, capable, wise, fun, loyal, or fill in the blank)
Not feeling allowed to set boundaries or say no
Unhealed wounds
Continued involvement in toxic relationships
Unresolved sorrow, un-grieved losses
Information overload
Trying to push through until you can't push anymore
(Sources of Exhaustion adapted from Invitation to Retreat by Ruth Haley Barton)
Do any of these resonate with you? First, take time to evaluate which of these sources of exhaustion ring true for you. Identify any others that aren't listed (and please share them with me!).
Then, prioritize which ones you want to tackle first. You don’t need to do all of them at once!
Now that you've identified the areas you want to work on, we can identify a way to address each one…
How to foster the life you want
Here is a summary of some of the ways you can find more freedom, space, and energy in your life. I've written them in a simple, straightforward way, but I realize that accomplishing them is a process. Please reach out anytime for support on your journey.
Learn to recalibrate the compass for your life from others' expectations and reactions to what is personally life-giving to you. (Identify your personal goals and desires. What makes you light up? When do you feel most alive? Learn how to be an encouraging coach to yourself.)
Set reasonable expectations for yourself. Learn the freedom of being human and having needs and limitations just like everyone else. Learn patterns of rest, play, and work. Break up with the bully in your head that tells you it's never enough. If that inner critic is communicating through the tyranny of "shoulds and oughts," you can find some initial steps to take back your power here.
Learn to believe that you're okay the way you are. Your worth is not dependent on others' reactions to you. Because this is such a deep belief, you may need some support from a therapist and the therapeutic tools IFS and/or EMDR to fully change this one. But start with changing your thoughts about it. Remind yourself of your worth.
Let go of your idealized version of yourself. Being real is much, much better than being the perfect version you want to be. Being known and valued for who you are is worth the vulnerability. The Enneagram is a helpful tool for identifying your idealized self so that you can find balance and freedom in embracing your real self.
Learn how to set boundaries. Start by saying "I'll have to think about that" instead of jumping into commitments. Learn what hooks you into giving in so you can resist the compulsion to give in. A good place to start is my course People-Pleasing to Self-Sovereignty, which will help you identify why you appease others and how to change that.
Heal from the past. Part of the pain of unhealed wounds is the effort it takes to avoid them, pretend they don't exist, numb yourself, keep them locked away in a box, or stuff them down. Contact me, or find another therapist who is committed to keeping you in the “window of tolerance” while processing trauma so you won’t get flooded and overwhelmed. My clients have expressed amazement at how light they feel after letting go of this baggage.
Recognize and ditch toxic relationships. If you can't get out of them entirely, learn how to neutralize their affect on you as much as possible. Individual therapy can be really helpful in making this a reality. Also check out my favorite books to deal with difficult relationships: The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries & Reclaim Emotional Autonomy.
"We can only heal what we're willing to feel" (Amanda Cook). Avoidance, stuffing down emotions, and other ways we cope with overwhelming circumstances and losses only works for so long before it begins back-firing on you. You may need some space in your life and a support system to work through the pain, but that is the only way to heal. I want you to know that feeling does not mean being flooded and overwhelmed. It is witnessing and releasing what’s been pent up for so long.
We are human beings. Our society encourages us to be human consumers - more things, more information, more, more, more. We have to create rhythms in our lives that make space for contemplation and just being. That is how we live deeper instead of faster. I love how Ruth Haley Barton teaches about healing rhythms that create space. Her teachings about Sources of Exhaustion were the catalyst for this article. (Note: Ruth Haley Barton is a Christian and mentions things related to Christian-oriented spiritual growth.)
At some point, willpower fails us because we keep trying in the same way. One of my favorite ways to find new ways of seeing and doing things is the Enneagram. We all have a particular lens for seeing the world. The Enneagram helps us step back and get perspective so that when we do try again, we can flow instead of push our way through the problem. Let go of your idealized version of yourself. Being real is much, much better than being the perfect version you want to be. Being known and valued for who you are is worth the vulnerability. The Enneagram is a helpful tool for identifying your idealized self so that you can find balance and freedom in embracing your real self.
Rhythms of Action and Rest
Ron Kurtz created an Action Cycle (as a part of the Hakomi Method) that I find so helpful in finding space for both action and rest. Part of finding rest is knowing where to insert it into your action. This cycle gives me a helpful rhythm in which to incorporate my resting. Here is his Action Cycle:
Kurtz’s Action Cycle. This page is compliments of Linda Thai from her excellent training that I attended.
We go through 4 steps in the Action Cycle:
Insight: Ask yourself, what do I need?
The first step is to identify your need, your desire, your goal. What is it that you need? Research, gather information, listen inside to what you might be needing. Then, what do you need in order to satisfy that need? To fulfill that desire or goal?
Effective Action: take action to satisfy the need
This step involves gathering your materials, and starting the action.
Satisfaction: completing the action, satisfying the need
This next step includes sustaining the action until completion. And the action has been effective in meeting your need, desire, or goal.
Relaxation: celebrate and relax
Once the action is complete, you can take a breath, celebrate, recognize your hard work, and relax. Resting is part of taking action. It is a necessary step in order to have enough energy to take more action.
When do you prefer to get rest? At the end of an activity? At the end of the day? At the end of the week? The ways we rest at different times might be different depending on how much time we set aside for it and what means of rest are available to us.
Personally, I need brain breaks between clients, creative time during the day, and longer down time at night and on weekends.
Getting Rest
For many of us, it’s a lot easier to say we need rest or want to rest than to actually rest. We consider rest a luxury rather than a need. Our societal values don’t help much with that—there’s so much emphasis on productivity, hard work, and not being “lazy.”
I love Tricia Hersey’s Nap Ministry. Trisha’s emphasis on rest and it’s necessity has been so helpful to me. It helps me prioritize rest as more than a luxury. In fact, Tricia Hersey also calls us to rest as part of our resistance. I love that rest can be part of my resistance to grind culture. I am not being lazy. I am resisting!
Rest is part of our resistance to capitalism’s siren call to produce more, work harder, and labor longer. Rest can also be fully, completely, just rest. I wrote about this in my poem Rest.
Rest.
We can rest.
Did you catch the period there?
I’ll write it out just in case.
We can rest - period.
What a profoundly revolutionary statement.
We can rest.
And by that I mean that we can rest so completely that we can also rest from being actively revolutionary in our rest.
That might have been a bit confusing.
I’ll say it another way.
We don’t have to choose rest because it is part of our resistance. Rest does not have to be another version of a hunger strike, resting like boycotting to prove a point. Rest primarily for this purpose is an act of denial. Denying ourselves from productivity and action in order to protest over-work and over-productivity.
We can choose abstaining from work to wean ourselves off of its siren call, its lure to do one more thing, to be successful, to give us that next hit of dopamine.
Rest can be part of our work of resistance to capitalism. I just want to be clear that this type of rest, primarily for activism, is in itself sacred work.
What if we could rest because our body calls us to it? Because it fills us with hope and sustenance? It nourishes us.
It is our birthright.
Rest.
(Catherine Quiring, Awakening Wonder: Embracing Kinship with all of Life)
Types of Rest
I came across a list of “specific rest needs” identified by Sandra Dalton-Smith, MD, an internal medicine doctor and author of Sacred Rest. I have adapted that list to share with you:
Creative
space for creativity, feeling inspired and motivated
Mental
quieting your mind, clarifying what is really important
Physical
physical rest is what helps your body feel rested, strong, and healthy. This can include both physical rest as well as exercise/movement that energizes you.
Social
time or connection with people who enhance your life
Emotional
being able to express who you are and what you are feeling
Sensory
rest from background noise, clutter, negative self-talk, and technology
Spiritual
feeling like you are a part of something larger than yourself, belonging, being centered and in touch with yourself
What came up for you when you read this list? Sadness at how many types of rest have been missing? Feeling overwhelmed and frustrated that so many types of rest may be difficult to get as much of as you need? Relief to be able to identify where you are depleted, so you can find a way to get the specific types of rest you need?
Go through each type of rest and reflect on it. How do you normally get this type of rest? What are ways you’ve been able to get some of this rest in surprising ways this year? I like to call these the silver linings of a very hard year. Which of these types of rest are most crucial for you to having a sense of well-being?
My husband laughs at me because it’s hard to get me to “rest,” which means it’s hard to get me to nap. But that is because other forms of rest are a bigger priority for me – taking a walk every day and having mental space come first, then if there is time for a nap, I’ll take care of that rest need.
For me, writing is rest. It is meditative, centering, my time to go inside and reflect, then bring out what I find there. I find so much rest in the creative process of writing. It helps me feel quiet inside and centered in myself.
Being in nature and reading are my other go-to paths of resting.
What brings you the most rest?
Which type of rest would you most like to incorporate more of into your life?
Next Steps
I would love to help you evaluate your sources of exhaustion and find better patterns for yourself. You are allowed to give yourself the chance to rest and heal. You can find rest and balance. Email me if you'd like someone to walk alongside you on this journey.
If you’re new here, I am Catherine and I’m so glad you’re here.
I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Self-Trust Coach, Podcast Host, a mom of two, and a writer. My blog is where I share everything about Self-Trust, Neurodivergence and IFS. This is a place for play, relief, rest, repair, and renewal. Learn more about my signature program Befriend Yourself, books, 3 steps to trust yourself, and about me.
