Feeling Misunderstood: Why It Happens and How to Find Real Connection
On feeling misunderstood
It is so common to feel like there’s this chasm between who you are and who other people perceive you to be. Between what you say and what others hear. Especially if you’re neurodivergent.
It is infuriating. It makes me want to bang my head against the wall, or despair. Learned helplessness often ensues. Hopelessness that anyone will understand.
“I’ve learned to listen to myself, stop questioning myself, and trust myself, but no one else seems to see or value that.” I have felt this, and heard this over and over from clients.
Let’s separate this out into others “getting you” and you “getting you.” By “getting you,” I mean really understanding you, your words, your essence, your intentions, your desires.
Are there any times that you felt another being really “got” you? When you felt seen, heard, valued? When you felt attunement, resonance, and interconnectedness?
I think I had this as an infant, but there’s no way to be sure. Infants are meant to receive this mirroring from their caregivers. A coo from the infant, met with smiles and baby talk back from the adult to the infant in delight. The back and forth of verbal and non-verbal communication, reveling in each other, exploring. The caregiver is attuning to the baby’s mood, expressions, and movements, and mirroring them back to create a relational rocking effect. Rocking back and forth, back and forth. A dance if you will. A dance of delight in each other.
When caregivers are overwhelmed, depressed, traumatized, unavailable, or otherwise incapacitated from doing this, the infant doesn’t receive this reciprocal dance of delight. The infant doesn’t get mirroring and attunement. It doesn’t get a relational hammock to swing in and find safety and support. And they will feel that lack, and have to work harder to find and reclaim this birthright. It is not fair, but it is also part of the pain of being human.
You can find this “hammock” of attunement for the first time if you did not receive it, or again if you have. It is a vital human need, and one we seek out subconsciously.
Sometimes you can find it with another human. Someone who is caring and attuned, probably an empath with extra sensitive mirror neurons ready to mirror you. Therapists tend to be good at this, and this is why having a caring, boundaried, attuned therapeutic relationship is over 50% of what creates healing in therapy. It’s the rocking hammock that holds you, regulates you, provides the bedrock of care that you need to thrive, and to face hard things.
Sometimes you can find a broken mirror through love bombing. Love bombing is essentially forceful mirroring. Someone who insinuates themself into your life whether you want it or not, and makes you feel seen and attuned to in order to trauma bond you into an abusive relationship with them. Because this holy grail of feeling attuned to is hard to let go of, even when it transmutes into an abusive relationship. The hope of the attunement and the longing for it are so strong, that it is hard to release it.
You can tell if the mirroring is respectful or manipulative by whether it follows patterns of manipulation and coercion, or patterns of autonomy, respect, and consent. This can take a while to learn but it is learnable.
Sometimes you can find this attunement with non-human connections, such as watching the sun play on the water while kayaking, feeling awe watching a sunset or seeing mountains appear in the distance, feeling the wet kisses of your dog, enjoying the contented purrs of your cat, finding a creative flow state, listening to music that resonates, feeling the collective effervescence[8] of singing as one at a concert, or feeling connected to spirit/source/god. I’ve even felt this while getting craniosacral massage, where I was brought back into the natural rhythms and flow in my body. I most often feel it through the internal love and attunement I have found through Internal Family Systems therapy.[9]
It’s okay to be different
I recently read A Guide to Earthlings, and in it author Ian Ford postulates that neurotypicals are always identifying and playing a social script or game. It has left me wondering if neurotypicals in Christian religion know they’re playing a game. I’m guessing it feels real to them, but not as crushing. But for those of us who feel deeply and empathically, who have porous boundaries, it can feel crushing. I haven’t watched Squid Games, but from what I’ve heard, it feels something like that. Something that is known to be a game but is life and death. Like the Queen of Hearts’ games in Alice in Wonderland. You can’t win. And if you take these “games” seriously, they will crush your spirit into tiny pieces, or weigh you down like Atlas trying to hold up the world. They did for me at least.
Thankfully, I heard the fresh air of compassion wafting by, and was able to follow it. I learned more compassionate ways to play the game, then I learned it was safe to stop playing. It was safe! This was such a revelation. I could trust my intuition and perception that it was safe for me and best for me to stop playing. This was an option now, a choice I could make. I didn’t have to keep listening to authorities, or elders, or the bible. I could listen to myself. And that was my doorway to freedom. My way out of the game.
What have been your doorways out of the games you found yourself in?
What games are you still stuck in that you want to exit? The beauty-and-image game? The good-girl game? Christian games? Colonizing, patriarchal, sexist, racist, or ableist games? Or neurotypical games that weren’t made for you and will never work for you?
Take some time to write, draw, or otherwise reflect on these themes. You can draw yourself a door called self-trust, self-compassion, emotional intelligence, etc. to envision a way out, or celebrate a door you’ve already found.
Hi! If you’re new here, I am Catherine and I’m so glad you’re here. I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Self-Trust Coach, Podcast Host, a mom of two, and a writer. My blog is where I share everything about Self-Trust, Neurodivergence and IFS. This is a place for play, relief, rest, repair, and renewal.
My signature group program "Befriend Yourself: An IFS Sactuary" begins this fall, I would love for you to join us. Meanwhile, explore my Substack writing, books, podcast, and learn more about me.
